With determination comes prosperity.
Late Night Thoughts

I haven’t truly documented my thoughts on here in a long while. I’m supposed to be sleeping since I have work in the morning but you know how that goes. The weekends are never long enough. Anyway, I had a moment where I stumbled upon my ex boyfriend’s twitter (I actually searched for him - don’t judge me lol) and realized his birthday was a few days ago. You all remember the ex I’m talking about right? The one that broke my heart during my senior year of high school or whatever… Yeah, well I saw his picture and he looks so much older. It took me way back. My mind started doing that thing they do in romantic comedies when the boy breaks up with the girl and then he lays back and sad music plays while all of their memories flash through the screen quickly and silently. Yup…. I thought about my whole life… up to this point. Like, I can’t believe I’m here now and can’t imagine where I’ll be going. I hope my life continues to look great for me - boyfriend or not. Not that a man really is that important lol. I’ve been single for 3.5 years now. I can do bad on my own apparently lol

QUESTION

To my trans* brothers and sisters - where do we cross the line in compromising for people who are new to establishing possible relationships with trans* folk to make them feel comfortable and ease them into accepting our full identities authentically? Example: is it outright demeaning if one were to meet a person who assumed you cis and then upon your trans* disclosure and after many questions and their mini enlightenment, they decide they want to meet but not in public in fear of social criticism?

I hate guys that expect you to compete with other women. I hate that they make you feel like you’re not good enough. I hate that I feel pressured to look my best all just to appease the male gaze. I hate that my dysphoria with passing and being pretty and stereotypically beautiful boils down to my relation to the men around me. I wish that someone loved me for who I was and will be and made me feel beautiful no matter what. I have a lot of growing to do but I wish I had a man by my side walking my journey with me.

I hate when white people say that I look exotic. Like, what the fuck does that even mean?!

Longing for Motherhood

've been catching up on my 90210 and when I was watching Silver's situation unfold with her going through with IVF in order to have a kid at 20 years old because she has a cancer gene and will have to remover her reproductive organs and never have a kid of her own, I started to think about my own situation (run on sentence). I will never be able to bear my own child. I will never be able to give my half of my DNA combined with someone I love to create a baby. I never got the chance Silver got to be proactive and have her baby moment before the removal of all her organs. Mine have already been gone. I can't have those moments where I must “Eat for two” or I can feel her kicking inside of me. I can't create a product of love from a man that I will share my life with. Granted, he could always use his sperm and we can have a surrogate or we can adopt but MY OWN body will never be able to experience this amazing moment. I won't be able to reproduce for my future husband and the more and more I think about that, the sadder I get. I wish that my body had the right organs to allow me to participate in this magical experience. But it doesn't and I never will. Part of me is like “whatever” but the other part lingers on that fact and imagines what if… I wish I could bear my own child. I wish the DNA of myself and my husband could combine to create this beautiful mix of us. I feel broken… like a broken woman. I am broken and can't be fixed. I literally feel like damaged goods. But I have to accept my reality, right?

Transmisogyny in the Black Community
Dear Trans “Supporter”

I read a blog from a man that objectfies trans women but claims he’s a supporter and it inspired me to write this to him in response to his oppressive mindset:

I thank you and respect your views but let me put it in perspective for you. I am not trying to hurt you but you did acknowledge that you do not respect trans women because you said “if we did we wouldn’t be sneaking them out of hotels” or something along those lines. If you truly respcted us as women, you wouldn’t be using us just for sexual favors. If you truly respected us, you wouldn’t be making this post condoning prostitution in the trans community. You really pay trans women to do dirty deeds on you and you’re on to the next and so you proclaim yourself as a trans lover and supporter? How dehumanizing of you! So now the only support we can get from men as trans women is if he propositions us for sex because he loves a “he/she”? Should I be flattered that any man is attracted to me? You make it as though as a trans woman, I should be grateful that a man actually wants to have anything to do with me. You make it as though it is a privilege and an honor to be told by you that you find me attractive and you’d stop me on the streets to ask for sexual favors. Is this what a trans supporter is to you? You make it as though a trans supporter is one that decides “hey let me just fuck these trannies cuz they don’t get ANY attention whatsoever.” So since you fuck us, you’re an ally to our cause? No… you’re exactly the type that keeps my community stagnant and broken. You are the reason why too many trans women do sex work. We need supporters to help us get through the adversity and discrimination. Not those who take advantage of our insecurities and downfalls. You pimp trans women out and you are proud of that? You expect us to kiss your feet because you “even dare” to have sex with us? I’m ungrateful because I don’t condone men that use trans women as sexual objects? Get out of my face. I get angrier and angrier as I type this. You all are the reason why trans identity is so taboo. You’re the reason why I and many others suffered from transphobia ourselves and didn’t want to accept who we were. We didn’t want to end up like the stereotypical trans woman. How dare you post making it out that trans women are all sluts. No, I’m not perfect but it’s people like you that try to keep women like me down. I refuse to be objectified. I refuse to be demeaned. I refuse to allow a man that doesn’t respect me as an equal human being shed a light on my community that keeps us further in the trenches. Do you realize that trans women have gender dysphoria? Why would you be disappointed that I’m ashamed of my penis? Let me answer that: because you glorify it and see me as some sort of mystical sexual creature that’s abnormal and harnesses the power of both sexes, correct? It doesn’t belong on me! The whole reason that I’m trans is to achieve the body I should have been born with. You’re halting a trans woman’s growth and development by making her think that she’s fine being in between. That she’s fine not achieving the maximum she wants. There are trans women that want to keep their penises but stop reinforcing this idea that trans women with penises are the ultimate version of the trans identity and are sexual unicorns and to conquer one is to be held at a high regard. You’re making her feel like this is all she can get out of life: a man that objectifies her, treats her like a slut, sneaks her around and never claims her, and a life where she will never be truly loved. It’s men like that that get me down and almost make me question if I’m going in the right direction but then I look at Janet Mock, a beautiful trans woman who’s gotten her SRS and has a man who doen’t see her as a “tranny” but simply as a woman and he courted her and claims her and treats her as his queen. That motivates me. That helps put my life into perspective. Not this…. not you 

Signed, 
Trans Advocate

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I just want to be loved

Tonight

Tonight was a sad night. I went out with some friends and we ended up at the club and basically, they all got attention and I got none and they like left me. We met back up and were going back to the car and more boys stopped them and they were flirting it up so I walked the few miles back home…. alone…. at 3 in the morning… in New Orleans. But I’m safe and in my room now. This is one of the reasons why I hate going out. I’ll always be awkwardly unfit for my environment. I wasn’t mad that thney got attention you know, more power to them. I just hated being the ugly duckling sitting alone waiting and stuff. All night. Sucks…. But moving on with life…     I just wish one man would just love all of me for me. I pray for him

Random

I just want to be in mutual love with someone. That’s all…

Transphobia in the Gay Community

Let me put this into perspective for you and then after this, I’m not posting on anyone’s ignorance anymore. I find it really hypocritical for a gay man to sit and condemn trans women and act as if we are unnatural and ethically wrong. HOWEVER, when majority culture tells you as a gay man that you are unnatural and you should be segregated from the rest of society because of who you are, there’s a problem……….. You fight for LGBTQ rights but hate trans women… Is the “T” there just for aesthetic purposes? Are we not fighting the same battle? Do we not deal with similar adversities? Are you saying that the “immorality” of your sexual orientation deviating from the “norm” is “more acceptable” than my “immorality” of being a trans woman? Are you saying you’re the more acceptable societal deviant? Are you battling for reassurance from your peers - trying to show that there are others more “unnatural” than you? Do you think they’d see you as more acceptable in that sense? When trans women march at pride parades, you really cringe and judge them for fighting for rights? And rights…. interesting how the gay community consistently fights for acceptance, equality, and equal access but they turn around and deny that to their trans brothers and sisters. How can you fight discrimination while simultaneously discriminating? 
Before one can discuss trans, you need to understand the basics of gender studies. To say surgery cannot change gender makes you look really stupid because gender is societally constructed. Surgery isn’t even necessary to change a gender. No I can’t truly be a female but I can be a woman and I AM a woman. I do not have reproductive organs like biological females but I am a woman. I identify as a woman. I look like a woman. Post op trans women have vaginas like women. We smell like women. We think like women. We “act like women.” We talk, walk, eat, breathe, drive like women because at birth to this point, we were women stuck in a male’s body. We are now in sync. We now are women in female like bodies. No I can’t go in and individually change every chromosome from XY to XX but besides that genetic coding, everything else on me is woman. You may not understand but why judge and condemn me? The same way that you ask the heteronormative society to accept you and not judge you and let you live, why do you deny me and my trans brothers and sisters that right? Why condemn me for longing to find love and get married and raise children when you are fighting for that same right? How can you judge me and call me an abomination when you lash out on society when they say the same to you? Why is it okay to ostracize trans identified individuals but you lobby for acceptance of gays? How can you say as a trans woman, I’m still gay but when you think of gay, you never include trans? What is a trans person’s sexuality to you then? If I were still gay, why differentiate? What is a trans man if he were still interested in men? Why can’t he just be seen as a gay man? Why single him out as a deviant case? I am a male identified woman and I am proud of who I am. I plan to go into grad school to earn a phD in Gender/Queer Studies and work in the LGBTQ community to achieve equity across all gender identities and sexualities. I don’t discriminate. I see difference and embrace it because we all are fighting for acceptance and equal access. How can you not see it the same way? How can you consistently identify as a gay man and not understand your adversity and work to not spread what you have to deal with to anyone else? How can you live a life being ostracized and then end up reinforcing that mindset and placing it on someone else? How can you really live not understanding how wrong and hypocritical you are? How can you stand to see gay men and women getting the right to marry but trans rights are slim to none and you have no care in the world? How do you not realize that you’re doing to us what straight society has been doing to you? Why are you fighting us for being who we are? We are the you in comparison to you and majority culture. We are not only cut out of the heteronormative world but we are even excluded by the gay community. How can you not see how wrong that is? How can you sit and call me a man and discredit everything I’ve gone through without having known my story or my journey? If you see me as gay (which I’m not), why are trans people not included in your gay rights movement? I don’t think you all realize the LITTLE significance XY or XX has on people being who they are. People are who they are by being socialized. If society let us just do us without putting limitations based on what genetalia grew, we’d all be gender ambiguous. Why do you let people make you see it as a big deal? At the end of the day, we love who we love and we are who we are. End of story. Stop judging. Stop condemning. 

My Future Love

I love and respect men that do not judge transgender women and actually respect them and love them the the same if not more than cis women. A man that does not care about the politics of my transition and just loves me for me openly and passionately is all I pray for. I’m so sure he’ll come to me eventually. I must be patient. Many people tell me I’ll be lonely forever now but I have faith.

Bureaucratics of Trangenderism

So at the beginning of the semester, I declared a minor in Women’s Studies because I’d like to go for a PHd in Gender/Queer Studies post undergrad and so I wanted to be prepare for that since my major was Biochemistry and all I had taken were natural science courses and done research in chem labs. Anyway, I have this professor for both my Black Politics and Women’s Studies courses and she’s the advisor for the gender inclusive group that I’m president of on campus called ‘Gender Equity’. I went to her office today and after doing housekeeping with the club and class, I asked her if she’d let me work with her on her research because I want to be a great candidate for grad school when I apply. Having no real humanities/social science background, I didn’t want the admissions people to look at me as if I’m not serious enough. She does research on LGBT policy and she wants to start on feminist ideas regarding surrogacy and statistics of laws limiting the rights of LGBT partners, etc. She said she’d gladly let me work with her! I’m already doing neuroscience research with a different program so I have to ask to see if I can be funded for both programs without any discrepancies. I hope so. Also, I told her about me being trans and planning to start HRT soon and she was so excited and is going to link me up with her trans friends that can mentor me and whatnot. She also said she’s going to push to get faculty restrooms open to me since we have no gender neutral restrooms on campus. I’m at a private, catholic university so they don’t know much about gender deviations lol. She said she’d also assist me with changing my name, changing my sex, my dorm situation, school paperwork, and all that other legal stuff. She was o helpful and open! I felt so great. I’m the first trans student at my university so I was so scared but having her there for me is amazing! I feel so great Smile 

Misandry

So I posted about misogyny today on a blog and how it transcends into the gay community as femmephobia and transphobia and this guy posted this link: http://youtu.be/vp8tToFv-bA and started to talk about how he believes misandry is prevalent today…..  Okay I agree that society expects that men must be chivalrous and take out the trash but… misandry? Really? Completely ignore history of like… let’s see…… the whole century long women’s movement maybe? How women still earn like $.77 to a man’s dollar? Like seriously. Get real. I am not here for no misandry. Miss me with that.

Transgender Journey

Today, I set my official appointment with a local gender therapist. I am officially mentally out of my self proclaimed “gender queer” label and on the road to becoming the woman I’ve always been inside. Everyone, say hello to L’lerrét Jazelle Ailith <3