Having a cold or whatever when it’s 90 degrees outside is like the ugliest thing ever. Why would this happen to me? I don’t get sick. :(
This man asked me if I experience adversity for being feminine and gay and I told him generally I do. He then proceeds to say that he is mistreated because he has long hair so he understands my pain and what I go through everyday…. LMAO No you don’t, sir. That doesn’t even compare
Those awkward turtle moments smh :(
I feel a bit out of place now a days. So last night, I finally went to the club here in Baltimore after not going for a long long time. Every third Saturday of every month, this club is open from midnight until 6 am and it’s gay night or whatever. So I got all dressed up and was so excited to go. I wore these 6 inch booties, high waist leopard print booty shorts, and a blazer that stopped right above the bottom of the shorts so that my thighs were all exposed. I looked really great! I did my makeup and everything. I felt so cute. I was ready to mingle with handsome men and just have a good time. We get to the club and the I got in the boy’s lne and the security thought I was a woman in the wrong line. I let it go and moved on because I feel like being mistaken as a woman is a compliment because women are beautiful creatures. I get into the club and not ONE PERSON danced with me or approached me or anything. And to make it worse, lesbians were all over me trying to get me to dance. Everyone in the club thought I was a woman! I realized that from here on out, me having the chance to have a handsome gay man approach me and want to get to know me better on a more personal level will never happen because they’re gay and they think I’m a woman. It was so sucky to realize this. I had fun last night but then I didn’t because I felt ostracized and misplaced. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I wish someone understood me.
I hate when I find myself attracted to a man who hasn’t nor will ever notice me nor will I ever meet. I just have to sit and read his posts he blogs and admire the pictures he posts. blahhh. I’m always going unnoticed
I’m Annoyed With Myself
I have this thing where if I’m bored or lonely or sad, I eat. I just eat anything at anytime that I want. It could be 3 am and I’d wake up and just go eat something. I usually am not even hungry and here I am just stuffing my face with junk. It’s already bad enough that I really kind of don’t exercise but I’m so into my body image and want to lose 2 inches off of my waist but eating like this….. this would not happen! smh
Give me a frame and complexion like Kelly Rowland, lips and eyes like Rihanna, hips, butt, and bank account like Beyonce, and Trey Songz as my husband and I’ll be set for life!
I’m sad. I don’t know why.
So this has been on my mind and I need to speak on it for a second so that my conscience can be relieved. I really want to speak to my gay brothers about this even though I know this is something that occurs in the heterosexual community as well. I have a huge problem for individuals that pursue people who are in committed relationships. I find it highly disrespectful and distasteful and just uncouth. I don’t care how attractive or nice the man is to you. If he is in a relationship, he is off the market and you can’t have him! Now there are two different situations with this topic. The man could have a boyfriend and you become friends with him and you know he’s fine and you keep trying to flirt and this that and the third. That’s just rude because you wouldn’t want that done to your boyfriend behind your back. Then you have the men that fool around with married men or men who are in relationships with women…….. moment of silence…….. please don’t do that. Have some respect for yourself and the woman who is living thinking she has a heterosexual man that’s faithful to her. Don’t be the other person. Please. I could really go on and on but I’m so tired. I’ve been packing my room up all day long to prepare to move out on Tuesday and now I have shape my eyebrows (because i want them thinner but don’t trust anyone else touching my brows nahhmean? lol), then I have to shave my body from head to toe :(. I hate that long process but the end result is fantastic. I just hate shaving. Ugh. But yeah, thats my tiny rant for the night. A bitch is beat
Student Involvement Forum
So at this very moment, I’m sitting in this little auditorium waiting for this forum to begin that my school is sponsoring. It’s about the lack of student involvement and there’s a presentation put on by the SGA and all persons on admin boards. I’m only here because I’m never involved and those who are act like they’re elite and exclusive and look down on everyone else and even if you have a class with one of them, they treat you like they don’t know you so I really am interested to see how they’re going to ever so dramatically try to make it seem like people just don’t get involved due to lack of interest and they’re all the good guys lol. I’m just here for entertainment before I begin my studying for the night.
I’m miserable… I wish I had some spice in my life.
I Hate My School
I don’t know if you all know but i am a Biochemistry major at Xavier University of Louisiana and it’s the worst experience of my life. Not for the academics but the whole social aspect is the pits. Being openly gay and expressive how i am is taboo and i get criticized a lot. I’m not going to go all into detail but yeah, I’m an outcast. Anyway, last night was a fashion show and Amiyah Scott came and everyone was on her dick! There were so many people taking pictures and this that and the third and it baffled me because when it comes to me, I’m so “wrong” and “not normal” but you all live for a trans woman? I’m not saying you can’t but like, that is very hypocritical, right? i just didn’t understand that…. Anyway, the university decided that Sissy Nobby couldn’t perform at Springfest because he’s innappropriate and people were outraged saying it was homophobia, however, on twitter they tweeted stuff like “They let Ms. Terrell strut on campus like he’s Amiyah Scott but…” blah blah blah. How do you combat homophobia with homophobia? And to set the records straight, the school doesn’t LET me do anything. I do whatever the fuck I please because I am in control of my own destiny and being and I will do whatever I want. So if I want to wear heels and strut up and down the campus, I will do just that, no apologies. I’m so tired of people here being so close minded, yet fickle and sophomoric. They just…. ugh. I fucking hate this school with everything. I’ve never been on a University campus where the people acted like 9th graders. These kids will never wake up. They don’t realize that if they truly want to “fight homophobia” they need to not be homophobic at the same time. They’re only fighting it because sissy Nobby makes bounce music they could shake their asses to. If he was just normal, they wouldn’t give a rat’s ass and they’d be homophobic liek they are to me. Smh…
Wow, I’m so proud of myself. I just finished studying for my physics test on Friday. I did all 80 multiple choice questions from the chapter study guides, did the 28 multiple choice questions from the sample and practice tests, and did 6 out of 8 of the word problems from the sample and practice tests and since i have the answer key for the sample test, i checked and saw that I got all of the word problems that I attempted correct! Now I’m well prepared for the study session tomorrow since i did the practice test and have my questions ready and all of that. I’m busting an A! I better! I need it! lol. Then, tomorrow night I shall be doing what i did tonight for Organic! Mmmm, the student life is a struggle lol. Let me get my butt int he bed. Goodnight! :)
Okay so a lot of things happened to me today but I really want to vent about this one thing that’s on my mind and keeping me from throughly studying for this Physics. I feel like I can vent about it here since this is my blog and no one really at my school has a tumblr and if they do and follwo me, they’re my friends and won’t blab about this. I hope I don’t regret writing this lol. Anyway, here we go. So there’s this man at my school named Jonathon and he tutors in the Organic Chemistry tutoring center and I have found myself to be very fond of him. Here’s how it happened. I remember the first day I really interacted with him and truly laid eyes on him. It was like it was yesterday. First semester of sophomore year, I found myself in a bad predicament. I took my first Organic Chemistry exam and I got a D and I knew I needed to change something. Against my will, I forced myself to go to tutoring. I used to feel so defeated if I admitted I needed tutoring so I had never been to a tutor before but I had to go. I remember walking in and sitting down and there we all these people and they were so serious and just intelligent. I barely knew anything so I felt really behind. They were spitting out information like it was the easiest thing ever. I decided to just start from scratch and open the book and read and do the practice problems. I was sitting there for a good minutes and then suddenly, this skinny, handsome, quiet guy walks in. The tutor that was there since i walked in greeted him and said his name aloud and that’s how I found out his name. Now, I’m the type of gay person to avoid cute straight men. I never want to be the gay guy to push up on straight men and stuff so if I even find myself remotely attracted to a straight man, I usually void him or try not to pay him any mind. I don’t want to make life uncomfortable for he and I both lol. However, deep down inside, I wanted this man to sit by me. Lo and behold, he came and sat directly next to me and my heart dropped. I was so scared. My palm got sweaty and I kept trying to glance at him through my peripheral. He was so studious and when people said his name to ask hm for help, he’d reply, “what’s good?” It was so adorable. I started to like him because of his calm nature and he was just so relaxed and regular but extremely intelligent. He made everything seem so easy. I was so shocked. He was the best tutor in the center. I started going to tutoring as often as i could in hopes that I’d see Jonathon. I guess that was bad motivation but it was also good because I habitually went and ended up with an A for Orgo I due to excessive studying and stuff. I just loved how Jonathon spoke. I loved how he taught. I love how he would be answering someone else’s questions and would occasionally glance my way. I loved his cute little smile when people would say funny things. I felt so at ease around him and he never treated me rude or was homophobic. He spoke to me as I were an equal and he helped me just like everyone else. But like I said, I never pressed up on him, you know? So yeah…. I remember I’d have a class before lunch and i’d intentionally get there early to sit by the door because Jonathon had a class on the opposite side of the hall and he’d leave it as my class would be starting and I’d just love to watch him leave. Sometimes, he’d see me and wave or something. It was always the highlights of my days then. Over time, though, I saw less and less of him. Then this semester began and I barely saw him at all. I was sad. He’d tutor in the early morning and that was the time I’d usually JUST be getting up out of bed. I could never get up early to go see him no matter how hard I tried. Then, when I’d see him walking around, he would sometimes speak and sometimes not and if he did, it wasn’t enthusiastically or anything. It was like I was nobody to him. I mean… he’s straight so of course I’m not special lol. I’d catch him sometimes when I’m sitting i the study room overlooking the parking lot and he’d leave his car and walk to the dorm. He’d look so handsome. So handsome. Anyway, I sort of just let it go because, you know, there is never a chance of us getting together ever, right? So I stopped being pressed until Mardi Gras break. My friend was going through her instagram and she just happened to show me a picture and it had Jonathon in it and he was with a girl. Come to find out, he was now in a relationship with this woman. I’m not even going to lie, I did cry. I know it’s pathetic but to be honest, I know liking straight men is like… a no no but I don’t have such an attraction to anyone else on this campus other than Jonathan. Yes, i may find some men beautiful but Jonathan is more than a face to me. Yes, he smokes weed a lot which is annoying lol but he’s terribly smart and kind and his whole demeanor and tone of voice and speed of talking… it all is so soothing. The way he looks at you is so soothing. He is a soothing man. I love him. But i know I shouldn’t get myself in an unrequited love situation. However, here I am. So yes, I cried and then decided to avoid him at all costs. I never disrespect people, especially women, when they are in relationships by trying to go for their significant others. I just wouldn’t like that done to me so I don’t do it. It’s rude and inconsiderate and disrespectful. I would walk by Jonathan and look everywhere but at him so as to avoid speaking. I’d try to walk places he wasn’t. I’d do everything. But I’d fail at times and I’d say hello to him or see him and I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I started to crush on him harder. Now that he’s unavailable, i find my fondness of him extra intense. I can’t handle it. So tonight, I decided to go to a study session for this test we have on Friday and guess who happened to be hosting it? Jonathon. When I realized this, I almost died. I walked in, sat down, and just stared at him. He was so handsome and lovely teaching. He knew answers to every question thrown at him and he just….ugh. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t not stare at him but I mean it wasn’t noticeable since he was teaching so you’re expected to look lol. It was the best 45 minutes of my life. Whenever I’d catch his eyes, I stared back. It was intense. I know it seems dumb to you all but that was heavenly to me. So heavenly. But anyway, I’m blogging about this because I’m now crying. I feel so dumb. I literally really love this man but he is taken. AND he’s straight. I will never ever have him and knowing this just really tears me up. I’ve never crushed on a man so hard in my life. I can’t get him off of my mind. But I don’t want to be a stalker or be obsessed or anything because that’s just not cute and I feel so audacious to be crushing on a man and he has a whole girlfriend! She’s probably beat my ass if she knew of all of this. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. it’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to him since he’s straight and unavailable. I need to stop but I can’t. I keep telling myself it will never happen but somehow, my body won’t stop loving him and wishing he were here cuddled with me as I’m studying or wishing he were the one i spent Valentine’s Day with rather than in bed alone. Wishing he was the one I could have spent my spring break with. Wishing he was the one that’d kiss me and tell me he loved me. Wishing he was the one that held me when I was depressed or stressed. Wishing he was the one I would hopefully spend the rest of my life with. I’ve never felt this way about any man in the world. And I know it’s real because it’s not about his looks. He is the cutest man but it’s not about that. It’s about him as a person. I’ve fallen in love with his person and I’m so angry with myself about it. but blah. That’s what I wanted to talk about. This was dumb long for no reason and probably looks stupid ugly on my log since it’s so long but whatever. Maybe God will make it happen one day? Maybe one day I’d have my chance? I don’t know. I just hate being a gay male sometimes. It seems like everything is against my favor.
I wish I had a boyfriend and he was sitting here with me as I study…